


Love Me More

by Plushion



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Rated M for Swearing, a solid fluff to angst ratio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 21:54:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11906961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plushion/pseuds/Plushion
Summary: "I want you to change your mind. Say you're wrong or confused and that you don't actually feel like that. Tell me you still love me."





	Love Me More

**Author's Note:**

> i was trying to write actual angst but my brain was like NO so its a happy ending

"I think we need to break up."   
"What?" I choke on my tea. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. I didn't think this would happen. It can't happen. He's... what is he? I thought he was the one but apparently he doesn't feel the same. 

So many thoughts are rushing through my brain and I'm trying not to blurt out 'fuck you!' and 'how could you do this?' that I almost don't hear him answer me. 

"I don't think this is going anywhere. I'm really sorry-"   
"Oh? You're sorry?" I cut him off. "What exactly are you sorry for? Breaking my heart? Or leading me on for three fucking years?" I feel like I'm boiling over and I can't turn off the stove. And I'm gripping my mug so hard it might break.

"I- I wasn't leading you on I really liked you and I enjoyed our relationship but let's just be adults and face it. We weren't going to get married or anything." He shrugs. He fucking shrugs. 

"I don't know what you felt but I thought we could have. I don't fucking get it- how could I have been so positive that we would work out when you felt the complete opposite? What did I do wrong?" I'm shouting at this point but he just remains with his even, though slightly sad, tone. Fuck him.

"I'm sorry."   
"Stop fucking saying that."   
"I'm s-" I glare at him and he cuts himself off. "What do you want me to do, Simon?" 

Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him.   
It's almost like they aren't even words anymore. They just keep repeating over and over again in my head. Fuck him. 

"I want you to change your mind. Say you're wrong or confused and that you don't actually feel like that. Tell me you still love me." 

I can't look at him right now so I stare at the couch. Our couch. We bought it at a big 'end of the year' sale from a furniture store. Baz said he wanted a red couch but I told him it wouldn't go with anything in the room so we got this brown one. It's kind of scratchy but it feels like something a parent would own. I used to imagine our future kid sitting on it. Maybe they'd pick at the little fuzz strings from the pillows. Maybe we'd all watch movies on Friday nights and share popcorn. 

I think I'm crying now. 

His voice brings me out of my reminiscing. 

"I can't, Simon."   
"Stop calling me that!" I shout at him. "Why do think we have no future? How can I change your mind?" I'm definitely crying now.

"Are you saying you actually thought we'd end up together forever?"   
"Yes."   
"But I'm a terrible boyfriend. You could do so much better than me. I don't want to weigh you down."   
I'm going to explode. I throw my mug at the floor. The small amount of tea that was left goes flying against the wall and the mug shatters. 

Baz got me that mug for valentines day last year. It had a little stuffed bear inside it. The bear is sitting on the bookcase right now actually. 

"Simon?"   
He actually sounds sad. The fucking prick. How dare he act like he has a right to be sad.   
"Don't try to pull that 'it's not you it's me' shit. You knew bloody well how much I care about you but you just don't give a fuck." 

I pull my sweater sleeves over my hands and rub at my eyes. I can't do this anymore. And he doesn't say anything else. 

"Fine. Fuck you. Do whatever you want I don't care. Break my fucking heart and you know what-- why don't you just go ahead and beat up each individual piece while you're at it." I mean to yell but it sounds like a weepy whisper. 

He still doesn't say anything so I look up at him. He's... crying? He's not shaking or sniffling like I am but there's tears on his cheeks. It should make me more angry but now I just feel bad. 

"Why do you actually want to break up with me?"   
"I don't."   
"Then why the fuck are you?"   
"I already told you. You can do so much better than me."   
"None of that matters. I only want you."   
He looks up at me and we hold the gaze for a moment.   
"Why?" 

He looks so scared and desperate. I think he's just really insecure. 

"Because you're just... you're just perfect for me and I'm not good with words but you mean everything to me and loving you is like breathing and you're trying to strangle me now and I can't take it."

All of that just spilled out of me along with more tears. I just don't care anymore so I let the sobs wreck my body until I have to sit on the ground, facing away from him, laying against the edge of the couch. 

"I just don't get how you could feel like that. I'm a terrible boyfriend." 

I can't take him saying that anymore. I rush up and walk hard and fast to our room. I find the sweater he got me for my first birthday gift while we were dating, the T-shirt he got me from his business trip in France, the snow globe with a golden retriever in a Santa hat that he got last Christmas. He said it reminded him of me. I find the card he got for our three year anniversary, and the first and second year cards too. I find every last sentiment he's ever given me, walking back out to dump them onto the couch when it's too much to hold. 

When I'm done I stand beside it and wait for him to talk.   
"What?" He sniffles.   
"This is every gift you've ever given me, not including all the times you've paid for dinner or movies or any other little thing that I can't remember. And it's not including every time you've told me you love me or any of the times you've taken care of me. Now unless all of that was fake and you actually just don't love me anymore-- you should just let me care about you without suspecting I don't." 

He stares at the pile for a minute or so. Then he looks back up at me. I walk over to him.   
"I will tell you over and over until you believe it. I love you. And I want us to have a future. I want us to get married one day and adopt a child or maybe just get a dog I don't really know which one of those will happen." He chuckles softly through his tears. I put a hand on his face, cupping his cheek. "I want us to be together. And if you really want us to break up, just tell me and I'll let you go. But just know that I don't want that and I love you." 

He looks at me with something nervous and sad. I hold his hand and push his hair back.   
"I love you." I need to reassure him. He's so insecure and I have no idea how long he's been feeling like this and I feel so bad for not noticing before. 

I smile softly at him and kiss his temple. "I love you. I kiss the spot right below the outer corner of his eye. "I love you." Then the tip of his nose. "I love you." His jaw. "I love you." His hand. "I love you." 

But I hesitate before I get to his lips. It feels like a boundary. If he doesn't actually feel the same way, then I don't want to it. I look up at him and repeat I love you in my head like maybe he'll hear me. I guess he does because he leans down and then he kisses me. 

"I love you too."


End file.
